I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
You Might Also Like
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?