I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
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“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.