Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
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I am yelling
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?