me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
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Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling