Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
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No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble