[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
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Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house