SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
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[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.