me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
You Might Also Like
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
dude it’s called proctologist
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”