NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
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Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.