My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
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I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
*lint rolls you awake*
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.