Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
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No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.