Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
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[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???