You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
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I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
watergate? u mean a dam??
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Every damn time
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town