I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You Might Also Like
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist