Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
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Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
#oldknees
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Dead sexy!!
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.