[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
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Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Ugh
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Uh oh…
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty