everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
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The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Lucky old June.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.