Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
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Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
starting a garage orchestra
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”