[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
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[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.