My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
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Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.