Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
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Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Autocorrect is my menesis
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed