Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
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I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
What about a To-Don’t List?
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
*jingles half the way*
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.