I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
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Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.