If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
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Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
I need a headline like this
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫