Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
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[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.