I’m a bad influence on myself.
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did it work
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Not all heroes wear capes….
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait