Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
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*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
How about daylight saves us for once
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I hate everything
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs