Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
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“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo