moms in horror movies
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I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.