Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
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Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*