[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
You Might Also Like
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?