Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
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couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Just me and my debit card against the world
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*