Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
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We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother