“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
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Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.