my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
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Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
me adding lol on a serious message
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
The Book. The Movie.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
This pepper has seen some shit
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.