The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
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I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out