dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
You Might Also Like
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*