Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
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As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL