My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
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three things we don’t talk about
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I can’t stop watching this.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries