In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
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Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.