Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
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My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Nigella has gone too far this time.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-