[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
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[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way