[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
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Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem