Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
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Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper