I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
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You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.