I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
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this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
mom had nothing to worry about
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys