[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
You Might Also Like
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
At least my masseuse has my back.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”