And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
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Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.