Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
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putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff