Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
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ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
From Facebook just now…
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
It do be feeling this way.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.